How to successfully leave a narcissistic pervert

How do you leave a narcissistic pervert?

Little zebra, get your coat and let’s go!

I’m going to share with you my story, or rather the end of my story, with a narcissistic pervert.

Because yes, I’m one of the zebras who’ve been trapped! It’s extremely difficult to realize that you’re sharing your life with a narcissistic pervert. Getting out of the grip of an NP is surely the most complicated step. But, fortunately, it is possible to break free from the mechanisms of manipulation, and, when we are gifted, our faculty of resilience is an immense asset!

I’ve got good news for you! Thanks to this story, I completely revealed myself, I discovered that I was gifted! Today, I even see this former relationship as an opportunity!

Turn this toxic relationship into an opportunity!

Yes, yes, I mean a chance… Mind you, I don’t wish anyone to meet a narcissistic pervert. It was surely the most violent and traumatic experience, in the truest sense of the word, that I’ve ever had. I still sometimes have anxieties that come back as a result of this relationship.

Little zebra, if you meet a bad person, all is not lost!

Getting out of the grip of an NP is complicated but, as I often tend to say, it seems impossible until you do it!

So yes, I saw this relationship as an opportunity, because, thanks to this person, I decided to ask for help. I had a past that seemed chaotic, so when this person started playing with my structure and my sanity, I was really at the end of the roulette wheel!

The worst part is that I went to a shrink in the first place because I thought I had a problem!

Unidentified zebra = ideal prey for NPs

The fact that I was gifted and didn’t know it, the feeling of always being out of step and, on top of that, meeting this person, it really hit me like a bomb!

At one point, I wondered whether I was actually crazy!
So if you, too, sometimes feel like you’re completely hammered, take heart! No, you’re not crazy, you’re just different 😉 !

Accepting help and support

When I wasn’t seen as someone with an impulsive personality, I was told, everything’s fine, you’re perfectly normal… hum hum ok. I think the “ you are completely normal “is worse than finding me an unlikely pathology!

The importance of finding the right person.

One day, the revelation, the feeling, IT’S A MATCH! I finally met the psychologist who helped me make the decision to leave this person, who gave me back my self-confidence, and above all, who helped me understand that I was a zebra.

It’s very difficult to accept the situation we‘re in. We love someone, more than anything, more than ourselves when it’s an NP, and yet that person hurts us…

Putting your trust in a professional

To realize and accept this, we really need to trust the professional in front of us. To do this, we need to feel at ease with the professional and consider him or her legitimate to help us in this reconstruction of ourselves.

It’s like zebras. If you take the WAIS test with a professional and think he’s not a zebra, you may find it harder to validate the test results and trust his analysis…

CBT: a therapy that works in the present moment

So I found this rare gem and started working with her in January 2016. I’d been wandering around my flavorless savannah for two years in search of the perfect shrink. So if you don’t get it right the first time, DON’T GET DISCOURAGED!

Looking back, I think she’s a zebra… But it’s with a lot, a lot, a lot of hindsight, and after 3 years of therapy, (at the time when I resume the correction of this article written more than a year ago), that I make this remark.

Cognitive and behavioural sciences, a key to understanding!

From the very first interview, I knew it was her! Her kindness, her smile, the way she looked at me, I could see straight away that she was someone who loved people, who loved her job, and who was really there to help me! I think I unconsciously felt this feeling, this resonance that is so dear to us.

She once said during a session that patients choose their therapist as much as the therapist chooses the patient. That she was aware that she didn’t connect with everyone and thatshe couldn’t help everyone… I thought it was super smart and honest too.

It’s a collection of phrases and notions she’s shared with me or taught me that make me think she’s gifted.

Choose your own areas of therapy

At first, she asked me what I wanted to work on. I liked this CBT approach, which means that, as a patient, we are in control of what we want to do with our therapy. As an undetected gifted person, I had major relationship problems that really got on my nerves on a daily basis!

It was while talking about the problems in my relationship, our different points of view, our different expectations, the little things of everyday life, that, as the sessions progressed, I realized that I was still waiting for a miracle!

A miracle that never happened… and never did!

Realizing you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic pervert

I worked with my psychologist for a year. I know today that I owe him a lot. Since consulting her, everything in my life has improved!

Better day-to-day management

I had a job I loved, my colleagues and my team were starting to really like me and trust me; with my family, our relationship became more and more relaxed, and we saw each other more and more often with pleasure…

I was beginning to know myself better, to find my place… The only thing that made me unhappy was my relationship.

I felt unsupported, unloved, misunderstood and, above all, devalued…

Narcissistic Perverts: Loneliness, Expectation, Frustration

I was always waiting! Waiting for a kind word, a tender gesture, some consideration I think… And, to top it all off, I was totally emotionally dependent! I could no longer make any decisions without his approval, I lived completely through his eyes.

Strangely, she never tried to dissuade me from going to the shrink. Instead, she’d make insinuations like, “ It’s psychologically difficult for you, it’s expensive, it’s far away, it’s an investment…”. That’s very narcissistic, by the way: malicious, guilt-inducing insinuations!

But nothing more. For my part, every time I came out of a session, I had to take a break.I felt reenergized! In fact, I could have talked to Anne for days!

And even today, as my relationship with this woman with a manipulative personality begins to fade, I still see Anne from time to time, to help me build my life project.

More generally, the psychotherapist has become a kind of life coach!

Becoming aware of our discomfort and psychological state

As I worked with A., I sensed more and more the malaise in my relationship. At first, I really thought the problem was with me.

Understand why you have been a prime target of the narcissistic pervert

I was a difficult character, I was too demanding, I was too cuddly, in short I was too much! I felt guilty, and anyway, no matter what I did, it was never okay.

I’m speaking in the past tense. Because now I know who I am. And even if, for some people, I may still seem too much, the difference with those days is that I’m no longer trying to be someone I’m not.

I’m a zebra. I have this emotionality and hypersensitivity that make me sensitive, intelligent and fragile. It’s okay to be fragile. It’s rather a strength and a quality.

Isabelle Nazare-Aga’s list of the 30 characteristics of manipulative personalities.

During a session in mid-spring, Anne gave me a list of the 30 characteristics attributed to a narcissistic pervert. She asked me to attribute some of these characteristics to my partner at the time.

As a zebra, I knew right away what she was getting at… Well, that was pretty self-explanatory! I have to admit I’ve shut myself off a bit. I actually said no before reading the list… Then I read the famous list…

I put that list in the back of my mind, because I didn ‘t want to believe it, I didn’t want to face the facts…

Overcoming denial when dating a narcissistic pervert

However, as the months went by, the unease between me and my partner grew. I started to rebel. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the fact that I’m a zebra, I just think it became too much… Too much for me to handle psychologically.

I was constantly between acceptance, letting it go to try and get some peace, or anger and irritation! Then came the panic, the anguish of her reaction, that she’d leave, that she’d still be distant, hard and cold. And to feel that emptiness, again and again and more and more intensely.

I didn’t understand (thanks to giftedness), that you could say you love someone and treat them badly!

Rebellion and the benefits of being a zebra!

I think she sensed that she was losing ground, that sometimes I was starting to become lucid again… To counter-manipulate, and above all, sometimes, to give a damn! In the sense that I deserve better! Which never happened in the first two years…

Regain control and become the person you were before the narcissistic pervert

In fact, I was beginning to question his actions, his judgment, his ideas, and as a result, I was regaining a little self-confidence. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t so crazy!

At the same time, I was exhausted and tired, and I’d just suffered the worst injury of my life in 25 years of basketball! Fracture of Thalus (ankle), sprain of both medial and lateral malleoli and three torn ligaments… For those who know a little about trauma, well it’s three months on crutches, 9 months of rehab, no racing for 6 months if all goes well… In short, season over, future start of season very compromised…

So physically, it was always very difficult. I was no longer independent… So I depended on her for all my travels, including going to work, because I didn’t want to take time off to avoid isolating myself…

I’m glad I did, because the work and, above all, my colleagues were a great help at the time.

The discovery of the list and my injury: coincidence?

I always say there’s no such thing as chance… The months that followed the famous list were months of conflict. It was psychologically and physically demanding because I had ankle algodystrophy (basically an unexplained blockage with constant pain, often linked to an emotional shock).

Today, 3 years later, I know that these unexplained pains and this blockage were linked to this story. Shortly after our separation, I took up running again and started trail running without any ankle pain.

I’m a zebra who hates conflict! I could count the moments of happiness, fulfillment and peace on the fingers of one hand.

I dreaded going home, and at the same time, I needed to see her all the time. I’ve always hated drugs, because I hate the idea of taking the risk of being addicted to something.

Now I realized that I was like a drug addict, I hated it, but I couldn’t live without it!

The meeting with his future prey and my own deliverance

And then she met someone else. I understood immediately. Finally, my subconscious as a gifted person, or woman, or probably both, understood right away. Now there was the other one.

Well, there were already one or two people here and there… Make no mistake, when you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic pervert, there are never two of you!

There’s always Pierre, or Paulette, hanging around… Besides, the NP always takes advantage of this third party to make you jealous. It’s THE manipulation technique of narcissistic perverts, always having one or two people in your game, and using them as puppets to manipulate you.

The arrival of Paulette in our lives!

So Paulette came into our lives! And Paulette didn’t come into our lives by chance, and I think my beloved at the time understood that things were starting to go sour between us. So she anticipated and protected her back.

The narcissistic pervert, always a new victim before leaving the previous one.

A little aside > No, a narcissistic pervert will never remain single! Or at least, he’ll never remain victimless, it’s impossible for him… Besides, for me personally, since this story, people who have never spent a month single in their entire lives, I find suspicious! I’m not saying that all these people are NPs, I’m just saying that I find it a bit weird…

Back to Paulette! Paulette has become my PN’s new best friend. It was her virtual best friend who introduced them, so I won’t elaborate on this point, which is unnecessary in the story… Text messages, weekends, vacations, in short, I didn’t exist any more and above all we had no more life as a couple, no more complicity, nothing. It lasted 4 months.

The more the months went by, the more I wondered what the hell I was still doing there! I was making excuses for him and especially for ME… We had an apartment together, new projects, buddies in common etc etc etc….

And of course I hated Paulette, even though I didn’t even know her!

Making the decision to leave, survival…

The advantage of being gifted is that our brains make associations, I’d like to say, in spite of ourselves… All the analysis sessions we’d done with A., the list of 30 characteristics, the incoherent, humiliating behaviors, the hot, the cold, the horrible vacation instead of the dream! My recent research on narcissistic perverts and manipulation… In short, I was beginning to realize that I was in a toxic, unhealthy, shitty relationship and above all that I had a life that no longer suited me… Was I ready to leave her for all that? Clearly not… A drug, I tell you…

And then it clicked… After a weekend when we were supposed to get together, which had turned out to be nothing but frustration and piss-taking… I told him that I didn’t know where I stood anymore and that I needed some time to myself and to think.

She didn’t say no, on the contrary, she was going to have all the time she wanted to see Paulette!

Awareness, thanks to therapy!

a year ago today (as I write, I’ve just realized!). Coincidence? Um I don’t think so 😉 ) I had an appointment with Anne. It was a Tuesday I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

The first click, the mirror of the other.

At the start of our meeting, I explain that everything is going well in my life, except in my relationship ! And then, amazement in his eyes, accompanied by this sentence “But, Melanie, because you’re still with him?“I really feel the distress in his voiceThe pain in his eyes and his empathy for me and my situation…

It’s no longer the shrink talking, but rather a kind of Mum or benevolent friend… I explain that I can’t take it anymore, that it’s hell and that I’ve decided to take stock… It was the look in Anne’s eyes and her distress for me that made me realize I couldn’t and shouldn’t go on like this.

When she asks me if I’m ready to leave her, I have this answer, which still makes my blood run cold: “No, I can’t, I’m nothing without her”.

For people who know me, whether they’ve known me for a long time or not, I think it’s impossible to imagine those words coming out of my mouth… Even I, when I said it, realized the distress into which I had fallen…

Become aware of the other person you’ve become because of the narcissistic pervert.

It wasn’t me anymore, I didn’t recognize myself! Since when did I make my life dependent on someone else’s? Where had the strong, determined person gone? A flash of insight, the first realization!

The second realization, coming to blows! I hate violence in all its forms, but physical violence… Impossible and unacceptable!

And above all, it’s impossible to see me, the gentle, kind and caring person that I am, getting out of hand and ready to raise a hand to her, pushing myself so hard. I refused to go beyond my limits and compromise one of the values I hold most dear.

I had already compromised far too much! And that too is so typical of narcissistic perverts. Make you push your limits. Not in the sense of surpassing oneself, no, no, no… On the contrary, see how far you’re prepared to transgress what you believe in, for his sake!

Thank you Paulette!

Finally, the last realization! One night too many…

Narcissistic perverts: lies, lies, lies!

Three days after seeing my psychologist and the famous, you’re still with… My NP went out with her so-called virtual best friend, a puppet she used to see Paulette, since she was the one who introduced them!

It was supposed to be the two of them, but of course I find out later in the evening that Paulette has joined them. I was expecting it, I was sure it was going to be like this, and yet I’m literally losing it, like really losing it!

I think I went through every conceivable emotion that evening! I can tell you there’s a whole bunch of them, and at Vice Versa, there’s quite a shortage of characters ^^!

Impossible to sleep, I oscillate between tears, anger, sadness, anguish…

Your life collapses in seconds

I feel like my life is falling apart and it is! We’re coming to the end, I can feel it, I know it… On the one hand, it’s a relief, and on the other, I have no idea what I’m going to do without her! I call her up, and on the phone, an anthology scene, engraved in my memory for the rest of my life…

I see myself hysterical, screaming at him, and I hear a voice on the other side that I haven’t heard in two and a half years! The voice of our beginnings, the one that had seduced me, gentle, empathetic.

After the anguish, the relief

This time, no doubt about it, everything becomes clear: Paulette is there! Paulette is right next door! She plays the mask of the nice, funny chick who’s dating a hysterical depressive who’s completely hammered (yes, Moi!). Once again, my blood runs cold…

This time it’s over, I can’t and won’t put up with it anymore. I’m having the time of my life, then I come down, calm down, analyze, my brain starts working again…

Like an awakening, as if the fog that had been clouding my brain for months and months were suddenly lifted… I really am having a kind of flash of lucidity. I realize how I feel, and I blame myself. I blame myself for letting her do this to me.

The end of the masquerade

I tell him on the phone, at 1 a.m., what will happen in the days, weeks and months that follow… I think I knew, I already knew everything that was going to happen because, as is often the case, everything had already been anticipated in my head… The decision just had to be made…

She, incapable of love, incapable of empathy, went out until 7 in the morning and slept in, without giving me any news. That’s what a narcissistic pervert is, no matter what state you’re in, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t love you, he has no feelings.

As soon as you’re no longer useful to him, you’re nothing to him. She had found another prey, which in the end, for me, was a stroke of luck…

My conclusion

It’s easier to leave a NP who’s already on another victim. It “lets you go”, at least on the surface, more easily. Because with a NP, the manipulation never stops, and neither does the suffering he inflicts on you.

It took me months to get out of it. Even afterwards, I still made excuses for her, and even thought we could be friends… Care Bear that I am! I picked myself up, picked myself up, picked myself up…

Then my friends, my family and A. helped me cut the ties for good. It’s the one and only solution. I know it today, I’m convinced of it. To flee and accept.

This relationship has taught me that it’s important to get help, that it’s important not to isolate yourself, but to take the hands you’re dealt. If you’re a zebra, what I really want to say is: trust yourself! When there’s a doubt, there’s no doubt…

Getting back to life after breaking up with a narcissistic pervert

Since that article, which is now several years old, I’ve started my life again. I have new friends. I met an exceptional person with whom I went to live abroad for a year. Today we bought an apartment together.

She’s never mistreated me, never made me doubt myself. She supports me in all my projects, especially the blog. I’ve also learned to validate myself, to trust myself. This story allowed me to put my life in order and finally make the best choices for me.

I sincerely hope that you can overcome what has happened to you and finally become the person you deserve to be.

I wish you much courage in this ordeal that follows the break-up with a narcissistic pervert.

You can also find more information, resources and tools on Giftedness in Mel POINAS‘ book. With a lot of humor, Mel tells the story of the discovery of her giftedness and the routines she put in place to finally find her place!

To go further, you can read

• Narcissistic Pervert, understanding post-traumatic shock
• Recommended books for understanding the Narcissistic Pervert personality
• Recovering from a relationship with a Narcissistic Pervert
• How do you recognize a Narcissistic Pervert?
• The 30 characteristics of the Narcissistic Pervert personality

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