Gifted people and love relationships!

Article updated on January 3, 2022

Can a zebra be happily married?

There’s nothing more precious in the world than to exist for someone.

Victor Hugo

You’re a zebra and you’re afraid you’ll end up alone with your cat and your book on quantum mechanics (a cliché).

No, no, no, don’t worry, there are plenty of people who find us intriguing and a little interesting, and what’s more, they’re not necessarily zebras or physicists.

Zebras and the rest of the world

Basically, relationships between human beings can be complicated! Most of my friends are not gifted, and sometimes they too have complex relationships… Simply because human beings are complex! When we’re gifted, what complicates interpersonal relations is often the intensity with which we feel things.

The gap comes from the power of emotions. When those around us know this and don’t judge us for this hurricane of feelings, it makes communication and exchanges easier.

Relationships when you’re HPI

A vast subject…

Love is one of the first themes I wanted to tackle in the blog in 2017. Why? Because before I knew I was a zebra, staying in a relationship for more than a year was a real challenge. There was always a moment when, overwhelmed by events (and certainly my fear), I felt the need to run away.

I’ve been in a relationship for over three years now. This corresponds to the discovery of my stripes. Since I’ve realized that I’m a zebra, since I’ve understood this atypical way of functioning, I’m no longer afraid of others or myself.

Julia, with whom I live and who you’ll find in several blog posts, knew right away that I was a zebra. I told him from day one, a little to unburden myself… There, it’s done. Now she’s in charge. Either she accepts it or she doesn’t. Hot potato sent.

Zebra, to be happy do you have to be in a relationship with another zebra?

On forums and groups dedicated to the gifted, the notion of love relationships and couples is recurrent. I think at some point we’ve all more or less asked ourselves this question: do you have to be in a relationship with another zebra to be happy?

I wondered the same thing when I was first detected. Basically, I’m not too much in favor of communitarianism, I think we’re enriched by our differences, whatever they may be… I don’t have an answer to that question… Just an experience and an opinion (as always)! 😉

Being in a relationship with a gifted person when you’re yourself zebra it’s a bit like asking the question of dating someone who doesn’t have the same religion, skin color etc… In fact, if you take the question in reverse, you meet someone you feel comfortable withwe have values in common, we have the same vision of lifethe same expectations. In fact, I think it would be a shame to put up any barriers!

If the person we meet makes us laugh, takes us as we are, with our doubts, our fears, and sometimes that airheaded, capricious side then? What else? Drama, he’s not a zebra !!!!!! Well, I’m sorry, you’re not a zebra Isn’t that going to do it?

Remember: every zebra and every human being is UNIQUE!

For one thing, not all zebras look alike!!! And fortunately… You can be a zebra and have very different characters, even if you have similar personality traits. One of my best friends is a zebra.

I’m super extroverted, I tell my life story, I talk a lot, my friend is much more shy and she’s very observant. She has blue eyes, she’s shorter, she prefers boys, I have green eyes, I’m tall, I prefer girls! In short, we’re all different, not just because of our personalities, but also because of our physical appearance, our history, our parents and our environment.

What counts is to be with someone with whom you feel comfortable and who respects your personality, who you are! And that goes for EVERYONE! Gifted or not, being in a relationship and feeling good is all about finding someone who loves you just the way you are. I know it sounds a bit cliché and déjà vu, but I get the impression that a lot of people forget that.

Find the person with whom you resonate!

When I met Julia, I immediately sensed that she was a simple, sincere and genuine person… She’s never judgmental. She takes people as they are and you can feel it in the way she relates to others. I love that kind of person! And in this case, zebra or no zebra, it doesn’t matter.

I’m just a total fan of these simple, cool, no-holds-barred people, who never try to impose their point of view on others but manage to express what they think and feel in a kind and relaxed way.

I’m pretty charismatic at parties (because I’m tall and I talk really loud, so unless you’re blind and deaf, people usually notice me 😀 ). and I was intimidated. Yet there was no reason for it. We were among friends, I knew everyone except her and one other person. But I think that in the face of this simplicity, this authenticity, meeting someone who “has nothing to prove”, I was in awe… Because it’s rare that kind of person!!!!

People who are comfortable in their own skin, who don ‘t hide behind any appearance or false self– these are real nuggets for me… Especially being a zebra, I sometimes found it hard to just be myself and let go.

To be well alone to be well as a couple!

I’ve spent my whole life (yes, the last 30 years) trying to understand and find this peace of mind! Being able tobe yourself without having to prove anything, without trying to justify who you are, how you live your life… Take responsibility for your choices, don’t be afraid to make them.

As a result, I took an instant liking to her, and even though at the start of the evening I did everything I could to avoid her, we soon found ourselves talking. With her smile and empathy, I wasn’t afraid to be myself.

When I met her, I didn’t necessarily want to be in a relationship. I was fine, living from day to day… Then there was her personality, what she exuded, what she had brought me since I met her…

A few weeks after we met, I had a serious scooter accident. She was just there, she had the right words, the right tone, always that kindness and humor… Without me really realizing it, she took up space. And one day I told myself that I just wanted her to really be in my life!

Right from the start, she’s been super patient, super reassuring and a great listener. She’s always thought I was special, but in a good way. I think that’s what he likes. She accepts that I need to escape and at the same time over-communicate… To have lots of projects to feel alive. And sometimes she calms me down! I’m not sure another zebra would know how to do that, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t… One thing’s for sure: I need someone to calm me down and soothe me, and she does it well!

Be happy in a relationship with a non-zebra.

So to answer that famous question, can you be high potential and be happy with someone who isn’t? Well, yes! Today I share my life with someone who isn’t gifted, and she’s one of the most beautiful people I know! So, why am I happy with her?

We already have a lot in common. We share the same values and vision of life.
Our vision of life together: living from day to day, while having personal and joint projects that give us a direction to follow, without stopping us from changing plans!

On a day-to-day basis, we don’t like to put up barriers! Getting out of our comfort zone is never a problem. We like to dream and we’re passionate, not always about the same things, but it’s our way of life, what keeps us going. Well, we do share a passion for travel, gastronomy and, above all, wine! We love people, evenings out with friends, spending time with family, enjoying ourselves!

Sometimes we like to stay quiet and when we don’t feel like going out we don’t force ourselves… We can do things without each other. Fortunately, for the time being, we live 22,000 km apart and 12 hours apart ^^.

Neither of us believed in a long-distance relationship, but then we did it, and in the end we manage it really well. We communicate a lot, and that’s a real strength!

As a result, I’m moving to New Zealand in 26 days! (By the time you read this article, I’ve been living there for at least 3 months, if not longer, and I might not even be there anymore! 🤔) And it’s just a matter of course for me to move there… I’m doing it for myself, even if of course without her I probably wouldn’t have done it now.

Being with someone who’s not a zebra doesn’t mean absolute boredom!

In the many concerns of high potentials, I read that if you go out with a non-zebra you’ll end up bored…
We haven’t been together for ten years with #J, but to this day, I haven’t been bored for a single moment. First of all because I love her energy, she’s always positive and in everyday life that’s just super fun! Secondly, becauseshe’s passionate about what she does andshe helps me discover a lot of new things.

She’s a big music fan, and so am I, but not in the same way. I love Francophone music, she loves Anglo-Saxon. So she’s always introducing me to new music, and I love it! I’m a wine fan, but I’m a real spade when it comes to grape varieties, appellations, estates… She’s teaching me all this because it’s her job!

For me, being gifted means feeling things more intensely. It’s true that I have to be stimulated if I don’t want to get bored, but I can be stimulated by so many things! In fact, I think it’s a mistake to ask our couple to be our only source of stimuli!

The key to a happy couple is to be yourself!

She’s not a zebra, but she respects who I am, including my giftedness. I took the test shortly after we got together. The test date had been planned for two months and she supported me right up to the result. I know she’s interested and takes it into account.

She knows that I question myself a lot and ask myself and that I ask myself a lot of questions ^^ ! That sometimes I’m with her but in my head I’m somewhere else… And just as she respects what I am, I also respect what she is.

If you’re gifted, you pick up and feel everything more quickly, and you haveto accept that if your partner isn’t a zebra, you won’t keep up with him. The main thing is to keepmoving in the same direction, and even if sometimes I go faster, she catches up with me and vice versa.

Like all couples, we’ve had our share of headaches! She knows I have a huge problem with conflict. I can’t stay angry because II’ve been thinking about it for a thousand years and it’s taking up a lot of my time. So we take 15 minutes, talk about it and try to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. To listen to how we lived the situation and what made us get so worked up.

In the end, we grow together and that’s a blessing.

Our couple must be a safe haven!

Today, as a couple, it’s one of my refuges. Like a cocoon, when I think about it, I’m happy, I ‘m well, I’m reassured. I can ‘t wait to see her, to be with her, to laugh with her. It’s a relationship that brings me so much and helps me build my life through a shared love project. I trust her and I know that if I need to, I can lean on her and that’s really nice.

On the other hand, I’m always careful not to put her in a role that isn’t hers. Being a zebra, and a late-detected zebra, who hasn’t always been emotionally secure, I know that I tend to ask myself too many questions! About myself, my life, my choices etc… Our partner isn’t our shrink, our mother/father, or someone who’s there to fill in our gaps.

I know that with my rather fragile emotional past, I wanted and needed to be with someone who was a good listener, kind, caring, generous, funny, fun, but with this craziness and need for adventure that I, too, wanted. makes me feel alive ! And I need to be with someone I admire and who inspires me. I’m lucky that’s what she does every day!

It’s possible to be a happy couple when you’re a zebra 😉 !

And we both know how lucky we are to have found each other, to be together. We also know that we’re not just our couple! We have lots of other things on our own that enrich our lives. Our families, our friends, our hobbies, our jobs, our passions, our buddies, our network… When you’re a zebra, you love a lot and expect a lot. I thinkwe also need tolearn not to put each other on an equal footing.

We’re beautiful people, the hardest thing is to find the one who can appreciate that. Once that’s done, zebra or not, the most important thing is to be happy together. And I hope you do! We all deserve to be happy.

Being gifted is not what defines who we are. I’m increasingly convinced that we need to take a step back from this and not use it as an excuse.

Be yourself, trust yourself and trust the other person. That’s how you’ll forge bonds that will help you build a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more, read this article: living as a couple with a gifted person or a zebra woman .

You can also find more information, resources and tools on Giftedness in Mel POINAS‘ book. With a lot of humor, Mel tells the story of the discovery of her giftedness and the routines she put in place to finally find her place!

To go further, you can read

• Atypikoo, the first dating app for gifted and atypicals profiles
• Gifted and happily married to a non-zebra? Yes we can!
• Living as a couple with a zebra
• Giftedness : Explanations and record of Mel Poinas
• The best books about High Learning Potential
• Characteristics of High Potential

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