Recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic pervert

Life after a relationship with a narcissistic pervert

It is impossible to properly appreciate light without knowing darkness.
Jean-Paul SARTRE

I sincerely believe that the wound inflicted by a relationship with a narcissistic pervert reveals something within us. At the moment when something breaks, when we have this revelation that pushes us to say stop and leave, there’s also this jolt of awakening.

The brighter the light, the darker the darkness…

This instinct that pushes us to move forward and find ourselves again. From there, it’s an obstacle course. The narcissistic pervert is an addiction, and you’re going to have to wean yourself off to be able to resume a healthy life and turn the page.

Accepting and detaching from the past relationship with the NP

Be proud of yourself, because getting out of a relationship with a narcissistic pervert is a huge first step. Unfortunately, I think some people stay with narcissistic perverts for years, decades, and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and rebuild! But difficult doesn’t mean impossible.

There are two questions that come up often in your messages and in the groups dedicated to zebras:
– can you rebuild yourself after a toxic relationship with a manipulator or narcissistic pervert?
– can you fall in love again and be fulfilled in another relationship after having been, or having lived, with a narcissistic pervert?

Can you rebuild yourself after a relationship with a narcissistic pervert?

You know the answer to that question, and you already know what I’m going to say! Yes, of course it’s possible.

The first key to overcoming it is as simple as that, and certainly easier said than done: regain your self-esteem. I’m not even talking about good self-esteem, just relearning to value yourself as an individual.

Why? As you’ve no doubt read on other dedicated websites and blogs, a narcissistic pervert always works in the same way. It isolates you, creates a vacuum around you and, above all, constantly puts you down. Whatever you do, whatever you say, whatever you try, it’s never enough, it’s never right.

You’re good at nothing… In the end, all you can see are your flaws, and you feel that you’re no longer capable of anything, that you’re no longer worth anything.

Rediscover a healthy social life, away from the Narcissistic Pervert

The other difficulty is that for the entirety of your relationship with a NP, he’s everything to you. You do everything according to him. You no longer make decisions on your own, you no longer have your own passions or even your own moments…

This omnipresence in your life, added to the isolation he has created, means that once you leave a narcissistic pervert, you often lose many friends and generally many people in your entourage.

For those with children in common, I imagine it’s even harder. The hold exerted by an NP acts like a drug, and as soon as it disappears you find yourself craving it very quickly. Even though we know it’s hurting us, we find it hard to stop ourselves from going back.

Recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic pervert takes time. That’s all right. Take your time, we’re all different, everyone goes at their own pace.

A reminder:

On a journey, it’s not the destination that counts, but the path taken, AND the detours!

Philippe Pollet-Villard

Our life is a long journey.

After ending the relationship, you may try to keep in touch with mutual friends, but you’ll soon realize that this is difficult. Firstly, because it reminds you of the person you were with and often makes you unhappy, and secondly, because you may feel that the problems in your relationship came from you, making you feel judged and, more often than not, misunderstood.

The narcissistic pervert has often already prepared the ground, and your friends are in fact his friends that he allows you to see. Yours alone, there can’t be many left around you.

Family and friends! Your pillars.

The good news is that family is usually very forgiving. So if you’ve had a break from your relationship with a narcissistic pervert, don’t hesitate to talk to them about it, or at least acknowledge that you weren’t really yourself for a while.

In this article, I talk about the couple relationship with a narcissistic pervert. The family is a pillar when the manipulative person is not in it. Indeed, if it’s a parent, brother or sister, you won’t be able to find “refuge” in the family circle, because relationships there are skewed. However, the methods for getting in and out are identical, even if it means cutting all ties.

Identify the people in your family whom you trust enough to share your story and your feelings. Talk to people who will listen to you in a caring, non-judgmental way.

Dare to talk about it, don’t be ashamed of what you’ve been through

Talking about it is difficult. Until you’ve experienced it, you can’t understand it. I don’t think we can even imagine it. That’s why you’ll sometimes have to face incomprehension…

In these moments, don’t try to explain or justify yourself, just accept that the person in front of you has never experienced this type of toxic relationship and can’t understand it. When it comes to a couple and normallya loving relationship, you’re not supposed to mistreat the people you love. That’s the paradox of a relationship with an NP: to be addicted to someone who doesn’t love you and who hurts you.

Don’t blame them for not understanding, for my part, before meeting PN, I would have been incapable of helping or advising a friend in the same situation. Even considering it with all my benevolence and empathy would have been difficult.

How can you stay with someone for months, even years, when in the end you discover it was all a lie?

If your narcissistic pervert did a good job during your relationship, when you separate, you’re pretty much on your own! Alone, but also lost, bewildered and without bearings. It may seem hard, but in the end it’s a good thing because you’ll FINALLY be able to be yourself again!

We set up a shock lift program

We learn to love and trust each other again.

You reconnect with people you like AND who aren’t friends of the narcissistic pervert. Family, childhood or old friends, people you’ve bumped into and had a good feeling about, and above all, you make new friends. Your old acquaintances will remind you of the person you were before you met the NP, and those who didn’t know your narcissistic pervert will discover and accept you as you are today.

Think of this period as a new life opening up to you. You’ll rediscover what it’s like to be free, to be able to think for yourself, to make your own decisions, to get out of the fog. And it’s scary at first…

Get out, discover, start living for yourself again!

Your first mission: accept that you’re not in top form, but try to get out and about as much as possible!

To tell you about my experience, I’ve lost quite a few people in three years. People who were more or less close to me, and people who were very close to me and very dear to me. That’s how it is, that’s life…

When we split up, I left everything behind, except my job. Before my break-up, I wasn’t very involved in my company’s outside activities, and I didn’t go out much, if at all, with my work colleagues. I started to accept a few outings and afterworks, and very quickly some of them became very good friends!

Learning to surround yourself with the right people

It’s already been four years since that breakup. Since then, I’ve left this job to live abroad for a year, I came back two years ago and my former colleagues are still my friends and we see each other regularly.

During this period of transition, I also relied heavily on my lifelong friends who stayed close to me despite the distance. We’ve lived far apart since we finished school, but we’ve always managed to keep in touch. What has changed thanks to this break-up is that we now write to each other very often.

And then there are the people I’ve met and discovered since then, who have added to my list of friends.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been so well surrounded in my life as since PN and I split up! Surrounding yourself with caring, understanding, patient people who don’t judge you is super important.

Relearning to do things for yourself

The narcissistic pervert has created this wound in you It’s a post-traumatic shock, because the NP mistreats us throughout the relationship, and I think that makes us extremely susceptible… Even more so than before.

It’s normal to be a little edgy and defensive after living under the thumb of someone who manipulates and belittles you all the time. In fact, sometimes this HYPER-sensitive side can make us seem a little weird!

No problem, we go out and accept all (or almost all) invitations. We’re relearning to enjoy ourselves and to take pleasure in rubbing shoulders with other people, having new things to talk about, opening up to the world.

When you’re feeling lazy, you go for a hot jog, a cup of herbal tea, a bar of chocolate and a good series or film (sometimes being alone with yourself is also good therapy). 😀

In short, our motto is: RETHINK TO ENJOY YOURSELF!

Regain your self-confidence, take your time

Sometimes you’ll force yourself to go out, sometimes you really won’t feel like it because it’s beyond your strength, but it’s okay, I repeat IT’S NOT SERIOUS.

Try it without it becoming a burden. Whatever happens, repeat often aloud to yourself, it doesn’t matter… You have the right not to be perfect (and thankfully so!!!). The NP has created a perverse mechanism: guilt.

Ouch Ouch Ouch this guilt…
The narcissistic pervert has made you feel guilty for anything and everything, when of course you had nothing to do with it. Change this feeling of guilt and learn to REVALIDATE yourself!

Yes, I’m a good person, yes, I deserve to be cared about, yes, I deserve to be loved, yes, I deserve to love!

How do you “renarcissise” yourself and boost your ego?

To regain this strength of character: try to do things for yourself, just for you! The things you love. It could be cooking, taking a bath, taking care of yourself, getting back into sport, something you used to dream of doing but had lost all courage to try.

Every little goal you achieve, every task you do for yourself and by yourself, will already give you self-confidence. You can reassure yourself by taking the time to do concrete things again! You can also change the decor of your home, start a TV series, watch films or read books you’ve been wanting to see or read for a long time.

Take time for yourself too, alone. Accept the loneliness you were afraid of when you were in a relationship with a narcissistic pervert. Once you enjoy being alone, you no longer fear abandonment and you avoid toxic people.

Meditation and cardiac coherence can be two good solutions for calming fears and anxieties. For my part, in addition to everything I’ve mentioned above, I’ve taken up trail running. It’s an alternation of walking and running in the mountains, climbing, walking, running, descending, climbing, in the middle of nature, alone in the World, in peace and quiet.

The trail set me completely free. All those hours alone in the mountains… Getting back to basics. Today it has become a pleasure and a passion.

You don’t forget a narcissistic pervert, you live with him.

As the weeks, months and years go by, we regain our confidence, we know who we are, we know what we’re worth. And above all, we don’t fall for it anymore! One of the only advantages of being up close and personal with a narcissistic pervert is that you can‘t be fooled again, you can spot them from a long way off!

St’s possible to rebuild, of course. When I think about my life, I have Hélène Ségara’s song in my head, we don’t forget, we live with it. This is true of many things, and all the better for it. Failure and pain are constructive and they make us stronger and often more resilient .

Acceptance is the first step to moving on!

You have to be patient, accept that you have suffered, accept that you have accepted the unacceptable. Accept that you will surely be judged, that you won’t always be understood, that sometimes people will even feel sorry for you (which I think is the hardest thing to deal with)! Don’t just be a victim, forgive yourself and be yourself!

A year after the breakup, I met someone. We’ve lived together for several years, we’re fine, I’m fine. She is a completely sane person, kind, gentle, who takes care of me, who gives me the space I need while being reassuring, so different…

To be yourself, to be happy, is the most beautiful answer, it’s the essence of happiness and, quite simply, of life…

Never forget that if a narcissistic pervert chose you, it’s precisely because he liked the qualities in you, because you’re a beautiful person. So be that beautiful person, you can do it!

You’ve done the hard part! Talking about it is already acceptance, and the best person to discuss this relationship is a professional.

If you feel you need answers, consult a psychologist specializing in victimology and cognitive science. They are very good at dealing with manipulative behavior and can be a great help after a break-up.

You’re on the right track, keep up the good work!

You can also find more information, resources and tools on Giftedness in Mel POINAS‘ book. With a lot of humor, Mel tells the story of the discovery of her giftedness and the routines she put in place to finally find her place!

To go further, you can read

• Can you be HPI and narcissistic pervert?
• Narcissistic Pervert, understanding post-traumatic shock
• Recommended books for understanding the Narcissistic Pervert personality
• How do you recognize a Narcissistic Pervert?
• The 30 characteristics of the Narcissistic Pervert personality
• How do you leave a Narcissistic Pervert?

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