Gifted and happily married to a non-HPI?

article updated February 14, 2021

Is a happy HPI rare? So a happy zebra in a relationship, hard to believe?

We’re no happier or less happy than people who aren’t gifted… I want to actively combat this misconception. It’s up to each of us to put the cursor of our happiness where we want it!

How can you live happily as a couple if you’re gifted?

On this Valentine’s Day (and a day off for me too, eh eh!) it was obvious that I too wanted to offer you a little happiness and optimism!

For those of you who have already visited the blog and follow me, you’ve already heard of Julia! I reread my last article on gifted people and relationships where I tell you about us!

When you’re a zebra, it seems easier to be single!

Mind you, I’m a romantic at heart, so of course… I’m not going to tell you that being in a couple is rotten! Ahahaha… On the other hand, it’s true that, as a gifted person, being in a couple used to feel like it was costing me… Just like connecting with people can sometimes take a lot of effort…

Efforts because I simply don’t feel like making any. Except that when I don’t, I’m sometimes too rough, I don’t use a filter and I’m temperamental, which can be a pain!

So I could fall into the trap of saying,“Fuck them all, I’d rather be on my own, with Léon (my French bulldog)“… But no! Becausewe need others and what makes me happy in life (among many other things) is sharing with people…

A little over 8 months ago, I met a beautiful person who made me want to trust and share again! 2 months to get to know each other, and“I fell in love with her like you fall asleep, slowly and then suddenly“.

My life with Julia and the questioning of time!

We’ve been together for 6 months already, and it’s gone by so quickly, but at the same time I feel like we’ve known each other for…much longer! Cliché, cliché, cliché, but it’s actually so easy when we’re together, it’s disconcerting! And I don’t know what words to use without being too much or cliché.

Since I’ve met her, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions about the notion of time… How you live it, how you feel it!

We often justify a relationship that works by the number of years we’ve shared it. And this reference is valid for many things and relationships! Whether it’s friendships, work or where you live… As if the number of months or years you spend with someone, or being friends with someone, or spending time at their job reflects the affection you have for them! But bullshit!!! (benevolent translation: nonsense)

You can be friends or in a relationship with someone for a few weeks, a few months, and still be on the ball! Completely in syn c! Even after just a few minutes, a relationship can be very strong! And the joy was immense and real! It has nothing to do with duration… What duration brings is the length of time that happiness lasts, but the intensity of happiness is not measured by the time spent together…

This applies to both joy and pain… The same goes for a job: you can do a job for three months and love it, and then work for 4 years in the same thing and hate what you do!

Besides, the notion of time is subjective! When we do something we don’t like, it seems looooooong, whereas when we like it, everything goes by quickly. For example, 1h jogging and 1h massage… The minutes don’t go by at the same speed (and I still like running!). One minute underwater, one minute in a fitting room…

So you see where I’m going with this? Each to his own… And the notion of time is personal. I don’t thinkwe all live and see time in the same way.

The relationship with time when you’re a zebra

Why this introduction to the subject of time? Well in a way to justify myself, even though I hate doing that!!!! But I know you! I know people, I know judgments… And yes, standards and common sense die hard.

6 months… Short! That’s what most of my readers will think, and I don’t blame you, because if one of my friends told me it’s been 6 months… it wouldn’t have the same effect on me as if it had been 6 years or 16 years. I think it’s part of cognitive bias!

Definition of cognitive bias: A cognitive bias is a thinking mechanism that causes a deviation in judgment. The term bias refers to a systematic deviation of logical and rational thinking from reality..

So, with #J, 6 months. Summary… Well, it’s all good! And I can hear some people saying yes, but after 6 months it’s normal for everything to be fine, and fortunately… Oh, so after 10 years it’s normal for things to go to shit, for us to no longer desire each other and for us to be constantly compromising?

Well, I hope that in 10 years I’ll have the same joy, the same passion and the same desire, otherwise I’ll simply be with someone else… Even if I come across as a utopian and an idealist , I can’t imagine love and a couple in any other way than total symbiosis. Maybe that’s why I often think I’d be happier single… But that was before😉

Life doesn’t have to be a battle and a series of compromises! At least not for me. I’m not made of compromise, nor of shades of grey, and that’s okay, I’m just the way I am….Esthis has to do with the fact that I am gifted? Hum I don’t know… I have the impression that #J is like that too… maybe less extreme but I think she shares that vision of love.

Assessment of an HPI / NON HPI couple

That’s our difference with #J… The extreme side. I NEVER compromise, I’m incapable of it, it’s simply beyond my strength and it would make me sick to live like that… I couldn’t live in a way that didn’t suit me. I’m too passionate.

I NEED TO BE CONVINCED BY EVERYTHING I DO.

She knows it, she accepts it and that’s how it works… After that, she’s an easy-going person and so am I, so when it comes to everyday things, we don’t ask ourselves 150,000 questions either ^^ (well, I do a bit more than she does) :D! When I talk about compromises, I’m talking about important things, projects, the way we share our free time… To live in the moment. It’s not easy to explain…

We hardly ever get upset or lose our heads. We’re a secure couple in the sense that we’re really there for each other. We support and encourage each other. We don’t judge each other, we communicate a lot… We’re pretty smooth on a day-to-day basis, but there are some values we hold dear, and neither of us will give up… The advantage is that we have the same ones, which helps a lot!

She doesn’t want to change me and doesn’t ask me to do things I can’t do, and vice versa. And actually, I don’t think I’m used to it. Usually I’m always asked to “ make an effort “… Which costs me and pisses me off but like really and especially more and more… She doesn’t ask me anything… Just to be myself! Incredible but true…

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t need me and who I don’t need either!

I’m trying to analyze these first 6 months. I turn the case upside down, looking for a flaw, a trick… I can’t help it, it’s instinctive! When I see a situation, I immediately spot what’s going wrong so that I can fix it, improve it, turn it into something better!

It’s my strength, it’s my job, and it’s what I love… I’m a disruptive person! I like to observe, analyze and say to myself, this is what’s wrong, this is what needs to be improved! Find the solution to turn this situation, this product, into something that works better than before! And with people it’s the same, I like to understand what’s wrong and try to help them get better if I can…

Except this time… Well, it’s already working! No problem… There’s nothing to save, nothing to change… I’m with a beautiful, healthy person whom I adore. She adores me too, she’s not trying to change me. We have nothing to reproach ourselves for… Ahahahhaa it’s just simple, easy and very rewarding! In fact, thanks to her, I feel like a great person!

I can see you coming… Hmm, sounds too perfect, either there’s a wolf or it’s boring! Ahahaha… I understand and I forgive you… it reminds me of Florence Foresti, her first show. When things are going well, you bore people… We don’t know what to say to each other, are you okay? Are you okay? and what about you? ça va…

Why does it work?

We’re often in situations where I say to myself, that’s it, that’s why I know it’s her. Recent example, last night, while eating. I’ve got a bit of a knack. In fact, when I ask a question and I don’t get an answer, I repeat the question until I get an answer! I find it really annoying when you ask a question and the person doesn’t answer!

So I’m in repeat mode, as if my brain were buggy until someone answers. I think for the person in front it can just be super annoying… In fact, it’s as annoying as I am when people don’t answer me! In short, it drives you crazy…

It makes her laugh… I think 99% of people go crazy after the 3rd time or I repeat! She laughs. It makes me laugh, we laugh and I’m super relaxed! I tend to stress out quickly in uncomfortable situations. Whenever something upsets me, my face freezes (I’ve never seen myself, but I hear it’s impressive!). She has this ability and facility to “de-tango” me… Or leave me alone.

It’s as if she had a 6th sense. In fact, she adapts to my twisted giftedness very easily… And 6 months or not 6 months, that’s how it’s been from the start… Which means I’m never scared, and with her I’m never anxious.

I don ‘t think I’m too trusting in general… I gauge people a lot. What’s more, I’m very demanding with the people I care about. So I have to subconsciously put a bit of pressure on them… So obviously she who lives with me must feel it even more. Well, no, she’s very quiet!

Laughing, a lot, all the time… Never speak ill of yourself!

Yesterday, we were talking about corks and DIY (Do it Yourself). She works in the wine industry, so we have a lot of bottles of wine and often drink wine! Here in New Zealand, caps are screwed on! Except that we had bottles of French wine, and we needed a corkscrew for the cork… And that’s what the cork discussion is all about!

And then I say, I like things made with corks! We could make giant letters out of corks! And then she says to me, “But where? So I repeat well for example an M and a J. And she tells me again, but where? Anyway, we had to repeat this 4 times, letters / But where? Before looking at each other and laughing out loud.

Some people would be annoyed if they didn’t understand each other. It happens to us a lot, but instead of talking badly to each other and telling each other we don’t understand anything, we laugh all the time…

Yes, I love Valentine’s Day!

Yes, I definitely love Valentine’s Day and I’m proud of it! Not for the gifts, because that’s not really what counts, but more for the message. Even if, of course, it’s on a daily basis and every day that you have to show the other person that you love them. I don’t expect gifts… not in the material sense!

Today I just want toshare a moment and take some time for us. Drink a nice glass of wine, cook something nice to eat and share it in front of a good TV show! In the end, it’s not much of a change from what we’re used to, but I like to remind myself that we’re lucky to have found each other!

She reads all my articles, so I’d like to take this opportunity to thank her for being there and supporting me in this and all my other projects! <3

I hope you find that person who loves and respects you for who you are!
Be happy and enjoy this beautiful day together!

Sharing and time, that’s the most important thing, and love, love, always love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, zebras and non-zebras!

You can also find more information, resources and tools on Giftedness in Mel POINAS‘ book. With a lot of humor, Mel tells the story of the discovery of her giftedness and the routines she put in place to finally find her place!

To go further, you can read

• Atypikoo, the first dating app for gifted and atypicals profiles
• Living as a couple with a zebra
• Giftedness : Explanations and record of Mel Poinas
• The best books about High Learning Potential
• Characteristics of High Potential

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